Harsh Truths from my Dog Trainer

Hi there! I’m Sally, the dog whisperer and your new dog trainer! I’ve come to obliterate any shred of self-confidence you’ve got.

I hear you have a new puppy named Ruby? I personally would never get a puppy. Way too much work. And that’s coming from me - someone who can literally see into dogs’ souls. But I guess it’s too late for you.

What kind did you get? Bernedoodle, okay. You know they don’t live very long, right?

Well given we don’t have very much time because Ruby is gonna die soon, let’s get started. The first thing to know is that you’re doing everything wrong. I know I haven’t observed how you are with her yet, but just trust me, whatever you’re doing, it’s wrong.

Like for example, this food you’re giving her. It may seem like it’s healthy but actually, it’s going to give her cancer. See these ingredients: alfalfa sprouts, grains, salmon, yeah, all that is gonna give her cancer. Excuse me - just need a quick cigarette break.

Alright I’m back. I see you’re now holding Ruby completely wrong. Do not treat Ruby like a baby. There’s a whole generation of dogs who are sick and tired of being coddled. They’ve told me.

I know the vets say that you should have her get all of her shots before taking her on a walk, but honestly, I think that’s just another way for the government to control us. So don’t worry about those vaccines. I’ve never had any vaccines and look at me - I’m totally healthy. One sec - need another cigarette.

Onto puppy biting. You mentioned you’re having issues with that, but here I am, and she’s not biting me. So maybe she just hates you? I’d work on finding ways to make yourself less repulsive.

You see, dogs are like men. They want to please you but they don’t know how. What I’m saying is, men are idiots. You know I had an ex-boyfriend who actually believed Anthony Fauci knew what he was talking about? Total idiot. But back to dogs - they won’t know how to please you unless you show them. You have to embrace the wolfpack leadership mentality. What does that mean? Wow, I guess some women are idiots too.

And stop slumping your shoulders like that - it makes you look weak. Ruby can pick up on that. If she thinks you’re weak, you’ll have no authority over her. In fact, that’s actually the core of all your issues. Until you can learn to not be a weak piece of shit, Ruby will rule the house. That’s why she’s pooping wherever she pleases. Because she can tell you have no backbone.

When she does poop inside, just rub a little bit of it on your finger and then bring her outside with it while saying “potty potty potty” so she knows to poop outside instead. What, you think that’s gross? Grow up.

Alright, that’s it for today. I accept cash only. And please be discreet - technically I’m not supposed to operate a business out of my apartment, and they’re always listening and watching us. And by “they” I mean the CIA, obviously.

See you next week! I’ll just repeat what I’ve already said and charge you another $300.