In Therapy with Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” Ex-boyfriend
*For context, listen to the viral song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSugSGCC12I
Female Therapist: So you want to discuss what Sabrina said about you in her new song Manchild?
Sabrina’s Ex: Yeah. She’s completely off base, man. You know it’s number 1 in the charts now? Such bullshit. None of it is true!
FT: Okay. Why don’t you walk me through what you don’t think is true?
SE: Great. I’ll start from the top. When she says “you said your phone was broken, just forgot to charge it,” that’s not true. I only did that one time.
FT: So…you did forget to charge your phone and then claim it was broken?
SE: Yeah but again it was only the one time. Or maybe twice. But definitely not more than three times!
FT: I see.
SE: And “...whole outfit you’re wearing, God, I hope it’s ironic,” it’s so rude of her to insult my sense of fashion. Is there really anything wrong with me wearing faded skinny jeans, a beanie in 90-degree weather, a tank top that says “No Feelings, Just Reps,” and Oakleys with rhinestones on them? Why would that be ironic?
FT: No idea. Sounds like a totally normal outfit.
SE: Right? And then her whole bit of calling me “Stupid. Or is it…slow? Maybe it’s useless?” How dare she say that! A guy puts his sweaty socks in the microwave and starts a fire that burns down her kitchen and then he forgets if the fire department’s number is 911 or if that’s just the cops ONE TIME, and somehow he’s a useless idiot? She’s the one who complained my socks were sweaty! What else was I supposed to do?
FT: Umm –
SE: She’s just so mean. She continues on to say, “But there's a cuter word for it, I know. Man-chiiiilld.” You can’t call me a manchild just because vegetables freak me out - like actually why does asparagus make my pee all weird? - and because I think going in the communal hot tub is a substitute for taking a shower and because I play Call of Duty 7 hours a day and because my mom does my laundry. That’s all totally normal stuff for a 29-year-old guy.
FT: Interesting you mention your mom, can you tell me a bit more about her –
SE: Oh and when Sabrina later says “Half your brain just ain't there.” Uh, newsflash, Sabrina, someone with half a brain wouldn’t be alive. I don’t think. Wait, would they? I flunked out of chemistry.
FT: You would’ve learned about the brain in biology, not chemistry –
SE: Well excuse me, Science Police.
The Female Therapist lets out an aggravated sigh. Then, she composes herself.
FT: What do you think Sabrina liked about you?
SE: What a stupid question. Obviously she thinks I’m hot. Because I am. It’s clear from her lyrics: “Why so sexy if so dumb.” Clearly you can tell from talking to me that the dumb part is a lie but the sexy part is true.
FT: She follows that up with, “If I’m not there, it won’t get done, I choose to blame your mom –”
SE: Don’t you dare talk badly about my mom.
FT: I’m not, I’m just quoting the lyrics –
SE: My mom is the perfect woman. She has always been there for me. Sabrina was just jealous of our relationship. Like, when my mom came to visit, and I asked Sabrina to sleep on the couch so that my mom could share the bed with me instead, like we did all my years growing up, Sabrina got all upset. As if that’s unreasonable or something? If I didn’t sleep in the same bed as my mom then who would remind me to plug my phone in to charge at night?
FT: You could set a reminder for yourself.
SE: Why are you screaming?
FT: I’m talking at a normal volume.
SE: Sounds like a screeching subway. Which brings me to my next point! “And I like my men all incompetent.” She got so angry with me once when I missed her big concert because I read the subway signs wrong and ended up in the Bronx instead of Madison Square Garden. But I’m like, the subway is legit confusing. Why would making a simple mistake like that make me incompetent?
FT: Didn’t you grow up here in New York?
SE: Yeah.
FT: And you know you can just put MSG into Google Maps and it’ll tell you how to get there?
SE: My phone was broken.
FT: You mean you forgot to charge it?
SE: I dunno.
The Female Therapist lets out another long sigh.
FT: You know what? Thank you.
SE: For what?
FT: Because of you, Sabrina wrote a banger. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be alone so I can blast it as loud as possible and have a dance party by myself. You can see yourself out.
SE: But it’s only been 5 minutes –
FT: Have a good one! Or don’t! I don’t care!